Questions From The Heart

People say that love fades and it's the commitment that makes two people stay together. There are couples who grow closer and sweeter as the years go by while other couples who tend to go through the opposite - yet they still choose to stay together. As much as I don't fully understand how it works, I can't help but ask. Cultural differences is a hard thing to deal with. But what's even harder is when that type of difference is mixed with attitudes that have not been rid of yet. Or maybe, even the lack of flexibility to adjust or other things could cause the situation to become more complicated. I DON'T KNOW. What I know is that I have gotten used to this now but I don't want to and I don't think I ever fully would.

There are simple questions that are addressed out of curiosity, confirmation or even ignorance on some matters. To answer with a frown or a crossed eyebrow simply means that the person is annoyed or aggravated at the question. I don't understand and don't know if this is fully a normal reaction for when a person is really tired or when the answers are too obvious that it would sound plainly stupid to ask.

As you can tell, I am a person who gets into the details of things. I always seem to read every word, every line, phrase, facial expression and gestures in every conversation. I don't mean to freak people out but when I care about someone who hardly expresses the truth about what they really feel or think about things, I have to read between the lines. Though at other times I intentionally avoid doing this, it just bothers me to think how I am given an answer with a voice of irritation when my question was just very simple and kindly asked. Other times I even laugh and smile while asking and still get a response that is obviously mixed with negativity.

I think what makes me think over this so deeply and too much (yep, I admit that!) is the fact that I believe that LOVE results in kindness, in speaking slowly or kindly and not otherwise. Sure there are times where we could be at a very irritated and unhappy mood that we can't hold ourselves back but when it becomes too often then definitely there is something wrong about it.

Sometimes I question myself if this is just the work of the enemy trying to ruin a relationship of two people who have been so convicted and driven to do things for His glory through His ministry. Other times, I just feel like the relationships is not getting any better. One positive side I see though, when I don't react in a bad way, I get a response of asking for apologies. Despite the mistreatment there is still room for a talk and for forgiveness and asking forgiveness afterwards. And the other person seems to admit that the enemy was really working full time in his thoughts and ruined his joy those very moments. He seems to admit that he needs to grow more in his Spiritual walk in order to deal with these things - which I think is true and needed. Even those who seem to be mature in their faith also needs to go through the same thing.

I've asked God for some signs. I have done that before and He seems to keep bringing the person back on track. Each time things just get even better with regards to staying on track with the dos and don'ts despite some minor flaws. The most recent one had just been the best so far with regards to those things and a couple other things are repaired while others are still on the process. Everything seems to be really moving in a slow pace now unlike before where rushing and mostly wrong reasons are being the foundation of things. Despite all that, I have still been asking for signs from the Lord. Really asking Him to not make this any harder if it's just going to head into the direction of not being the way we thought or hope it would be. I fully believe though that God knows what He is doing. So no matter how hard it may be for me right now, I will let Him do His work. I will definitely do as He said to me that very night when I said these same words, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you!" (Matthew 6:33).

I therefore conclude that I will focus on that goal and nothing else as I have no clue of the outcome yet. But I have to be honest to say that I wish these things would just end right away if it isn't what we think it is. For now, I will stay patient and learn through every phase that the Lord allows me to go through. I pray that I will become more sensitive and listen more closely to the whispers of the Holy Spirit so that I may live a life full of wisdom not just in this matter but in all other things that contribute to the word called LIFE.

Confusion

Being a single woman, I have always been fascinated and amazed at how people could be so sure about marrying their partner/fiancee even if they haven't really spent a very long time with them. I've asked a lot of married couples about that and the usual answer that I get is, "You just know!" :-/ How is that possible? How can you know that things will definitely work out between the two of you when you know that no matter how strong love is, it will fail? What if changes will happen?

At one point in my life I have become sure about someone. It wasn't like 100% and full out but at least close to it. Despite all the hard stuff that was going on I was just so set on marrying that person and that was all I could ever think about. The kind of love that he showed me was too priceless and rare that I never want to let him go. I saw his flaws but not all of them until just recently. I thought to myself when you truly dig deeper into something and not be content of what you see on the surface, you would start to see more truth about that person and that's when the true test really takes place. Then I asked myself again, "do I really love him?", and found myself saying, "I'm not too sure anymore!".. It's hard stuff, this thing called love! Most especially when you have never felt that way about anybody or when you've handled relationships always the wrong way. Suddenly you are faced with the truth that love and relationships isn't all about the butterflies in your stomach but actually about working hard to make it work and most of all making sure that everything is pure and pleasing unto the sight of God.

In a relationship, you also get to know yourself better, how you are and how you deal with serious business. Back then I thought in relationships it's always about the guy being this, that - they were always a subject of criticism and pressure. I was brought up in embracing the womanhood type of confidence and I kind of took it in a much wrong way where I became so prideful that I could afford to just laugh at the guy who shed his tears over me. I have hurt so many hearts, countless, I don't even want to look back anymore. One of the reasons was me entering special relationships, even though not always "dating", even before I was ready for one let alone marriage! It was only when I started opening up to people who were older than me and were Spiritually mature that I came to realize that before entering a relationship, you need to have marriage in mind and be ready for it JUST IN CASE that person you're dating would be the one for you. One needs to be prepared in different aspects such as Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Financially. Not that perfection needs to be achieved beforehand but at least you are at a level where you can stand firm in these things and not find yourself crashing down whenever there's a crisis in any of them. That's what I think of it, at least!

I'm still wondering if it normal what I went through. I'm not talking about the relationship problems that I had to deal with because of my immaturity. I'm talking about the relationship I have had with that one person that I was so ready to marry and then confusion suddenly started. My spirit was not at peace, then it was, then his wasn't, then mine was, then his was, then mine wasn't and now it's just getting more frustrating. It seems to spring from reasonable things yet I get tempted of concluding sometimes that we are just not meant for each other. If I look back to everything that we've been through, we've always seen God intervening and fixing things. Through the hard stuff we went through, we always learned, grew and just continuously were refined in every stage. And whenever I think upon how God had ALWAYS brought us back together, I would cling to the other thought that HE might just be really refining us step by step until nothing of our selfishness and imperfections will get in the way of getting to the next level of our relationship which is marriage. We both don't know. We both don't fully understand. But for now, I think this part will remain hanging for a little bit AGAIN.

If things won't work out the way we both pray and hope it would, I am sure God has something else better. Though sometimes I just get tired and feel like I am really wasting time with putting up with this situation when I could just easily move on to the next phase of my life. BUT I will stay patient, prayerful and trusting. I will keep my eyes focused on God and love Him and my family and myself. For now, that's all the confusion that I can ever express. We will see what the coming days, weeks, months or years hold.

The Importance of Honesty

I have become uncomfortable of talking about love and relationships. It has been long a time since I freely have expressed what I really think and feel about it. Most of the time, I choose to keep it to myself. I have fear of expressing it to everyone because that goes along with such a huge vulnerability that I cannot afford to offer the public. I am a private but public person. I love and treasure my privacy so much that anything of me that I don't want to shout out but gets openly expressed, for me, is a damaging thing. That is why I wrote this blog because no one will ever be able to tell who I am. And for those who wanted to know what I think and how I think about this matter called, "Love and Relationships", they won't find it out unless they find this and unless they know who I am. And by the way, that is close to impossibility!

The Importance of Honesty

I have trust issues. Past issues that still continue to haunt me now. The heartbreaking relationships I have had in the past, the repeatedly broken trust, the endlessly throwing of my heart away - all those things for some reason still remain. Whoever is special to my heart becomes a subject of my criticism. I assess them to the deepest of their bones. I test them. I try to get them to tell me the truth about everything if they don't. And whoever does not tell me the truth, I start to doubt about. I always make sure to say, "It is better to hurt me with the truth than comfort me with a lie." I'd like to be able to freely share with the person who has my heart and if he doesn't do the same, I only feel betrayed. That's why for me, it is VERY important to be very honest! To really tell the truth about everything. Our partner is our best friend - supposedly! If we don't tell them the truth about things then I think being best friends with that same person would be questionable. I know there are things that needs to be kept to avoid hurting the other. There are also things that were committed out of imperfections that needs to be buried away, forgotten and never ever again to be reminisced or even thought upon. Yet if you are going to keep things to yourself or just forget them, that would only be selfish - for me. We are supposed to share our burden with the person we have given our heart to and if we don't, once again, it would be questionable.

I don't know how to fully explain how it should work and why. I don't know all the answers as to why relationships are such a hard work and seems to have a lot of requirements that needs to be accomplished. But I think if you really want something to work, you will need to invest yourself in it. While you should not give your everything to that person before marriage, it is important to give parts of you that you know should be known to the other person before you both step onto the next level. You can't be engaged to someone you don't trust or doesn't trust you with the realities of your life. You can't fully trust someone who keeps hiding from you and you can't expect that person to fully trust you if you keep hiding stuff to yourself. Just as that one saying goes, "Do unto others what you would have others do unto you" - it's just not a phrase that people say but something that you can even find from the Bible. Nobody can argue the words of the Lord.

So for me, the importance of honesty is such a HUGE THING. If you think you can't be honest with that person I don't think it would be wise to stay. Otherwise, you would just be causing more hurt to that person and even give sin an entrance door to grow.