Confusion

Being a single woman, I have always been fascinated and amazed at how people could be so sure about marrying their partner/fiancee even if they haven't really spent a very long time with them. I've asked a lot of married couples about that and the usual answer that I get is, "You just know!" :-/ How is that possible? How can you know that things will definitely work out between the two of you when you know that no matter how strong love is, it will fail? What if changes will happen?

At one point in my life I have become sure about someone. It wasn't like 100% and full out but at least close to it. Despite all the hard stuff that was going on I was just so set on marrying that person and that was all I could ever think about. The kind of love that he showed me was too priceless and rare that I never want to let him go. I saw his flaws but not all of them until just recently. I thought to myself when you truly dig deeper into something and not be content of what you see on the surface, you would start to see more truth about that person and that's when the true test really takes place. Then I asked myself again, "do I really love him?", and found myself saying, "I'm not too sure anymore!".. It's hard stuff, this thing called love! Most especially when you have never felt that way about anybody or when you've handled relationships always the wrong way. Suddenly you are faced with the truth that love and relationships isn't all about the butterflies in your stomach but actually about working hard to make it work and most of all making sure that everything is pure and pleasing unto the sight of God.

In a relationship, you also get to know yourself better, how you are and how you deal with serious business. Back then I thought in relationships it's always about the guy being this, that - they were always a subject of criticism and pressure. I was brought up in embracing the womanhood type of confidence and I kind of took it in a much wrong way where I became so prideful that I could afford to just laugh at the guy who shed his tears over me. I have hurt so many hearts, countless, I don't even want to look back anymore. One of the reasons was me entering special relationships, even though not always "dating", even before I was ready for one let alone marriage! It was only when I started opening up to people who were older than me and were Spiritually mature that I came to realize that before entering a relationship, you need to have marriage in mind and be ready for it JUST IN CASE that person you're dating would be the one for you. One needs to be prepared in different aspects such as Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Financially. Not that perfection needs to be achieved beforehand but at least you are at a level where you can stand firm in these things and not find yourself crashing down whenever there's a crisis in any of them. That's what I think of it, at least!

I'm still wondering if it normal what I went through. I'm not talking about the relationship problems that I had to deal with because of my immaturity. I'm talking about the relationship I have had with that one person that I was so ready to marry and then confusion suddenly started. My spirit was not at peace, then it was, then his wasn't, then mine was, then his was, then mine wasn't and now it's just getting more frustrating. It seems to spring from reasonable things yet I get tempted of concluding sometimes that we are just not meant for each other. If I look back to everything that we've been through, we've always seen God intervening and fixing things. Through the hard stuff we went through, we always learned, grew and just continuously were refined in every stage. And whenever I think upon how God had ALWAYS brought us back together, I would cling to the other thought that HE might just be really refining us step by step until nothing of our selfishness and imperfections will get in the way of getting to the next level of our relationship which is marriage. We both don't know. We both don't fully understand. But for now, I think this part will remain hanging for a little bit AGAIN.

If things won't work out the way we both pray and hope it would, I am sure God has something else better. Though sometimes I just get tired and feel like I am really wasting time with putting up with this situation when I could just easily move on to the next phase of my life. BUT I will stay patient, prayerful and trusting. I will keep my eyes focused on God and love Him and my family and myself. For now, that's all the confusion that I can ever express. We will see what the coming days, weeks, months or years hold.